Everyone bangs on about wedding disasters and funeral drama. Box-of-wine Karen at the reception, Uncle Terry doing the worm at the wake, we've heard it all. But somehow christenings have slipped under the radar, and that is a genuine injustice, because from what people are reporting, they are absolutely unhinged.
Take this gem doing the rounds: bloke recalls his own christening, not that he remembers it, obviously, he was a baby, but family legend has it his Uncle Dave rocked up with a brand new girlfriend who'd pre-loaded on a box of rosé and ended up in a full screaming row with his mum before the vol-au-vents were out. At a church. Presumably while the vicar was still drying his hands.
But here's the bit that really got us: the person raising all this also floated the idea that there must be a decent number of people in this country who were straight-up dropped by a vicar during their christening. And honestly? Can you argue with that? You've got a bloke in his seventies, a squirming wet infant, a marble floor polished to a mirror shine, and at least three relatives who've already hit the advocaat. That's not a sacrament, that's a health and safety nightmare with two thousand years of tradition as the only risk mitigation.
The Church of England has been dunking babies since before running water was indoors. The fact that we don't have a support group, or at least a Facebook group, for people who got fumbled by a man of the cloth is frankly a missed opportunity.
So come on then. Weddings and funerals get all the glory. It's time christenings got their moment. What's the most mental thing you've ever witnessed at one? Drop it below, we're building a hall of fame.